The Stampede

Media Credit: Sara Travis Andy Ford

Dear Andy,

I am a 22-year-old male about to graduate from a small Christian college without a soul mate. Could you recommend an online dating site other than Farmersonly.com, cyclingsingles.com or plentyoffish.com, to which I have already been denied?

No MR Degree for Me

Dear No MR Degree for Me:

I am currently 0-87 in my pursuits of love (as of last Thursday). Of those, I have met 14 of those women on the Internets (only one has pressed charges). I do have some experience with your question, albeit only in failure. These statistics show that I am relationally batting at .343. (I have no clue what that means, but I thought it would look manly. Am I right, ladies?) Perhaps a tale from my life might be helpful.

After much prayer and consultation of scripture (Mal. 3:14), I took the e-Harmony test to find my soul mate. They e-mailed me saying they didn’t have any matches at this time. Apparently, I needed to take my sorry-miserable-excuse-for-a-self elsewhere. The rejects that use online dating had rejected me – the nerve!

That is until I stumbled across meowtimefordaddy.com, a website that encourages romance between cat lovers worldwide. As a lonely feline enthusiast (sorry to be redundant), I felt like God had finally opened a window after shutting all those doors in my face. So, I posed for my black-and-white profile picture while holding my cat Mittens and wearing my red cloak. I lounged seductively on my velvet bedspread. It was quite a picture. Also, my profile had my favorite quotes from my favorite bands that I am sure you have never heard of.

Within hours, I had an e-mail from a user from Zacatecas, Mexico. Her username: was “meow-ria72.” (Just say it aloud and roll the r.) Impressed by her wit, I was enthralled! First, I asked her if she was born in 1972. She laughed and said no. Therefore, all signs pointed to meow-ria72 being my soul mate. Even better, Mittens and her Senor Gato seemed to like each other when they spoke over the phone. The only thing that gave me pause was her blurry profile picture. But, she used correct grammar, had a thick accent and didn’t call the cops.

For our first meeting, she flew up to meet at the Dollar General. As I perused their endless aisle of cleaning supplies towards the back, I did not see her. While comparing the General’s vast supply of bleaches, I heard her distinct “hola” from Aisle 4. Seeing her from behind, I saw a plump Hispanic woman talking into her cell phone and clutching her Rosary. As she turned, I realized that she was not born in 1972 – she WAS 72. “Senor Ford!” she screamed, “how mi corazon has prayed for this day! Dios mio!” The only thing I could think at that moment was I could see why she blurred her profile picture.

As I’m sure you guessed, the weekend was not romantic. But she did make a mean albondigas and never called the cops. She shared her life with me: pictures of her grandchildren and stories about her late husband (who died in the revolution). Before she left a few days later, we became fast friends. After Mittens and Senor Gato have their say, we catch up on the phone occasionally.

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