The Stampede

Media Credit: Sara Travis Brad Eastridge

The following article appears due to an anomaly in the space-time continuum.

March 18, 2027 -- John Cena’s new thriller “The Avenginator” takes full advantage of the new 4-D technology, with entertaining results. Director Michael Bay makes the most of his star and his budget to make a rollercoaster of a movie, which guarantees to make you spill your popcorn.

New York City cop Tony Pecs (John Cena) is being hunted by serial killer Bart Kribbens (Zac Efron) for sending him to prison. Kribbens breaks into Pecs’ house while Tony is on duty. When he does not find the man he is looking for, Kribbens becomes angry and butchers Pecs’ family. When Pecs comes home, he finds his family sitting frozen around the fireplace, stuffed and mounted. Enraged, he decides to wreak vengeance on Kribbens and sets out on an explosive quest for justice.

Cena plays up the vengeance aspect with a believable sense of righteous anger. He acts mostly with his body, flexing and rippling to display a wide range of emotions. His relationship with his family is displayed through flashbacks, displayed artistically in 2-D to create a vintage quality.

Efron makes a significant career departure with his portrayal of Kribbens. He takes a bold creative leap in utilizing his androgynous looks and growing a stringy mullet, but the effects are appropriately unnerving.

The supporting cast is also impressive. Amy Winehouse is impressive as the taxidermy stand-in for Pecs’ wife, looking more lifelike than she has in several years. Dakota Fanning is notable as the prostitute Tony befriends in the underworld. Miley Cyrus also stands out as Kribbens’ cannibal junkie girlfriend, a role which certainly reflects her recent history.

This film marks the first of Michael Bay’s 10-picture deal with Lionsgate Universal. His utilization of 4-D is the most effective since “Transformers 4-D.” His trademark helicopters, explosions and racial stereotypes are plentiful, as well as an emotional poignancy reminiscent of “Pearl Harbor.”

The 4-D is most effective in action sequences, when the theater seats constantly jerk and undulate. At one point, Cena punches repeatedly through the screen for five minutes, as the audience rockets back and forth in all directions. The hydraulics of the seats at Carmike left something to be desired, however. My seat began to bounce up and down in the family’s emotional death scene but remained stationary during the love scenes.

Perhaps the most impressive 4-D technique comes with the final climactic explosion. Kribbens unleashes his atomic robotic machine-gun copter at an orphanage, which Pecs grabs in freefall from the Empire State Building and flings into Central Park. The stadium section of the theater flipped completely around as the seats vibrated, leaving three audience members dead.

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