The Stampede

Issue date: 3/13/09 Section: Features

Media Credit: Sara Travis ANDY FORD

Dear Andy,

Should a radio personality speak for a political party in 21st century U.S. politics? If not, why is there so little attempt to find a less abrasive voice?

Wondering in the FOB

Dear Wondering in the FOB;

I had a great Spring Break, thanks for asking. After what seemed to be the longest-running presidential race in history (seriously, had it been going on since Chester-Mutton-Chops-A.-Arthur was in office?), I have grown tired of political diatribes and discourses no matter how loud the decibel. (And I assume we're talking about someone whose name begins with an "R" and ends with a "ush.") Because of this, I avoid talk radio like the plague unless it is You Bet Your Garden on NPR. Maybe I should care more about the direction this Godless nation is heading and less about my rutabagas.

I am quite glad that you asked this question for it has given me a great idea. As a member of the Communist Party, I have decided publicly to give some advice to my fellow comrades in these United States as the "less abrasive voice." Because of this and the fact that I have a high school diploma, I will use this article to speak for every Communist everywhere, of course. Here are a few proposals:
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On healthcare: We promise to give universal healthcare to every citizen of the United States. We will provide free and available rocks (with stars and stripes added by a "BeDazzler") to perform a variety of medicinal tasks: grinding, breaking, and killing. Bedazzled rocks will also come in Chicken & Noodle flavors.

On the economy: We promise to eat every excess child in America. This proposal of modest proportions means that a family cannot have over two children. Little Bobby can be served chilled with Brie and Carrie roasted with sprig rosemary. Might as well add the homeless here, too. And anyone who looks at me wrong.

On the presidential attire: We will provide our President with proper presidential headwear. No matter what suit (or pantsuit) the President will wear, he/she must always wear a hat. This hat will be three feet wide, two feet tall and of Masonic origins. Inside said hat would be the launch codes for nuclear missiles and a spot for dry-cleaning dirty dresses. During the inauguration, Rev. Rick Warren will place it on the head of the President.

On green issues: We will outlaw the color green from these United States.

On gun control: We will provide everyone in America with a free and available handgun. Ammunition, however, will be impossible to find after the Great Scourge of 2015. One bullet will remain in an abandoned warehouse, guarded by Marines with whittled-down plastic spoons commonly referred to as "shanks." Who will use the last bullet and what for? Oh, doesn't that just sound so deliciously suspenseful?

But back to your question-if a political party wants a radio personality to speak for them, then perhaps he should. Just remember that I speak for you, comrades.

Remember to send your questions to ANFord@milligan.edu, so you can find it here.

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